A New Expression of Love

This weekend I've been more contemplative than usual. Weekends are typically calm and quiet for me lately. If I haven't got plans to go out of town for a family visit, I tend to spend several hours at home alone. It's nice in the sense that I get to relax and unwind my thoughts–I have had a hard time getting work off my mind lately, and it seems I let go best when I do a little housework or go to the gym. But on the other hand, I guess I've been feeling a little lonely during this time. Mike works most of the day during the weekend, and our weekdays are filled with work, school, and commuting.

Yesterday was Saturday and I was alone until Mike got off work and came over around 7pm. We went to dinner with some of our best friends and I enjoyed that very much. We are planning our wedding, and it tends to be the topic of conversation often–as it should be. My life is blessed beyond measure, so I shouldn't be able to find anything to complain about, right?

While driving home, my mind became my enemy and depression began to settle on me. I don't normally deal with depression, but I couldn't even muster the words to express how I was feeling. Mike and I sat in silence almost the whole way home, and then in the moment I hugged him to tell him "bye", I couldn't seem to end his embrace. I actually stood inside his arms–mine folded across my chest as I rested my head on his warm and sturdy frame.

All I could manage to say was, "I don't know what's wrong." Tears began to flow and I tried to explain my odd behavior. The basic thing it all boiled down to was that I felt unhappy with my day-to-day existence.

"I feel like I don't have anything to talk about outside of work. I don't want to talk about work, so I don't have much to say anymore. Even our time together is spent relaying the details of things we experienced throughout the day–we aren't experiencing much together. I'm bored with myself."

As I allowed these strange words to spew from my mouth and the tears to soak into his t-shirt, he held me close and listened. Once I had said all I could think, he began to encourage me and talk about ways we could change our situation. He talked about solutions. He had answers. He held me until I could see the truth about who I am and about why we are where we are and how we stay the course and continue to run towards our goals–both as individuals and as a couple.

This moment not only changed me, but it laid out another level of understanding and clarity of the love God commands of a man for his wife. I will be his wife very soon, and this messy moment showed me how much he really does love me. The Bible says that love edifies. To "edify" means to "build up." Even when I am wrong, love builds me up and lifts me above deception I allow myself to believe–like I did yesterday. God used this to show me how much I can trust Him. It's God that has brought me to this man. My God's love for me is even expressed through my husband-to-be!

God has spoken to me in such a dynamic way about His love for me as a Father. Healing has come in a complete way. I see now that He is about to unfold an entirely new expression of His love for me. I'm so thankful for my God and for His intense love! And I'm thankful that I will soon be married to the man that God knew I needed all along.